Monday, March 01, 2010

One step foward and unfortunally, many many backwards.................



Still:Tim McGraw

There's a place I wanna to go
Where I can hear the cotton grow
Midnight train whistles blow
A dozen miles down the road
Ann all I have to do is be still

There's a place I need to be
Mom and Dad my sister and me
First time I ever saw the beach
Back to 1983
And all I have to do is just be still

When the road gets crazy
And tries to break me
And I've had all I can stand
I can close my eyes no matter where I am
And just be still

Theres a place I love to be
Where it's just my baby and me
Close enough to feel the heat
All wound up beneath the sheets
And all I have to do is just be still

When the road gets crazy
And tries to break me
And I've had all I can stand
I can close my eyes no matter where I am
And just be still

There's a place I need to go
Where stained glass windows glow
Every part of me is known
Thank God I can go there
Thank God I can go there

Still

***Finding a still moment in my life lately has been difficult. All the steps I have been making to go forward have now been all washed away. Hearing this song, brings some hope. I have a place to go to. I have space to sit & be still & think. I thank my lucky stars & all above I can get there.








Chances :Five For Fighting

Chances are when said and done
Who'll be the lucky ones
Who make it all the way?
Though you say I could be your answer
Nothing lasts forever
No matter how it feels today

Chances are we´ll find a new equation
Chances roll away from me
Chances are all they hope to be

Don't get me wrong I'd never say never
Cause though love can change the weather
No act of God can pull me away from you

I´m just a realistic man
A bottle filled with shells and sand
Afraid to love beyond what I can lose when it comes to you
And though I see us through yeah

Chances are we´ll find two destinations
Chances roll away from me
Still chances are more than expectations
The possibilities
Over me
Eight to five, two to one
Lay your money on the sun
until you crash what have you done?
Is there a better bet than love?
What you are is what you breathe
You gotta cry before you sing

Chances chances

Chances lost are hopes torn up pages
Maybe this time
Chances are we´ll be the combination
Chances come and carry me
Chances are waiting to be taken
And I can see
Chances are the fascination
Chances won't escape from me
Chances are only what we make them
And all I need


*****Chances, what does this really mean. We all take chances. We all receive chances. My life torn up like a book or a journal. Chances are not carrying me, they are covering me up. My book is closed & I need to learn to open this up & let go & read...........

Feeling lost & surrounded by my guilt, lack of the power to change, and helpless to my past & all I could have changed if the chance was there.

Confusion, knowing if all happened, or is it a ghost story I am chasing.

I am going all about this the wrong way. I have no idea what to write.
All I know is I have learned some things about myself & my past & all I could have done to change certain events.

Thru the last few weeks, I have had support. Sometimes in life your family is there & then sometimes, your friends are. Right now, as I figure this all out, I have 3 very important friends who have been there.
Most of all, I feel honored to say that CR, while growing up, we weren't that close, we are now best of buds, and even before my most recent turmoil, thru this she has shown me other sides to my situation.
The other two lovely ladies are MKS & AL.......thru changes @ work, they knew something else & now are my concrete @ work........


I love my family dearly, but now is the time in my life where my friends are whom I need to lean on & to turn to.

Feeling like any post I wrote in the more recent past is all null & void. What I knew then is very different than I know now. Chances, changes.............

While I have stepped up to the plate, counseling has become an important part of my life, my healing, my journey, to feel stronger, to know I am me & this is ok. No one will take this away from me. This much I do know.

"Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future."
-- Lewis B. Smedes


I don't want to erase my past, but deal with this & forgive. To forgive is what I have done. I think this is why my memories are unclear, foggy a haze.


"Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn't you - all of the expectations, all of the beliefs - and becoming who you are."
-- Rachel Naomi R
emen


I need to let go. I need to find me. I need to be me. I have tried for so long to be something & someone someone else wanted & expected me to be. It's ok to stand up & say no.

"Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it."
-- Tori Amos


I don't have the courage yet, and to do this, digging is going to hurt & change me, but I am up for the long challenging & difficult road.

"Healing yourself is connected with healing others."
-- Yoko Ono


By finding me, I will be able to help others.


"An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair just about anything." Lynn Johnston

I have always said that friendship is the cement of all & any relationships. Apologies don't happen enough. A simple misunderstanding can hurt, tear friends apart, and most of all, effect someone so much, when we don't even realize this fact.

"It takes a great deal of character strength to apologize quickly out of one's heart rather than out of pity. A person must possess himself and have a deep sense of security in fundamental principles and values in order to genuinely apologize."
Stephan Covey

I am not the strongest of people out there, yet, but I know how to apologize( i have had a lot of practice of inserting my foot in my mouth....), especially when a loss of a friend has happened & the chance that happened & was within my control & all I did was stay still & watch it all slip away. Again, a stupid action on my part.

I don't know what else to do, but to put my feet, one ahead of each other, looking tall & walk head held high. All else will eventually fall into place, and if it doesn't then I am no worse off than I was before.
All I know, the true meaning of friendship is to accept any one as them & nothing else. They bring to your life something special & shouldn't be taken granted for.

What I write, looks like a mess, but to me, is another form of healing for me. It's like my journal of progress.

My many feelings of disgust, confusion, lack or memories, feeling useless, tired, overwhelmed most of the time, frustrated, and just not feeling like my bubble self. This is progress, at least I can now say some words & admit how I feel, yes progress........painful progress, but those feet are moving, one baby step @ a time......
More to come................



I have used this song before, along w/others, but this does seem appropriate.

I can almost see it
That dream I’m dreaming but
There’s a voice inside my head sayin,
You’ll never reach it,
Every step I’m taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

The struggles I’m facing,
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes they might knock me down but
No I’m not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I’m going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on,
cause

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Somebody's you're going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It’s all about
It’s all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith
Whoaaa Ohwaoooh


****Yes, keep moving, keep going, but, learn to balance & learn that to climb is alos to make mistakes & learn to forgive oneself too, not just others, but me too.



Yeah

You wake up from your dreamin' and you don't want to face the day
You can't find a reason to think your world will ever change
You can hide beneath the covers
Or you can run outside, head up high and carry on

Life is a roller coaster ride
Time turns the wheel and love collides
Faith is believing you can close your eyes and touch the sky
To shine while you have the chance to shine
Laugh even when you want to cry
Hold on tight to what you feel inside and ride

It brings you up slowly then shoots you like a rocket towards the ground
It twists you and it shakes you before it turns you upside down
You can't see what's around the corner
And you can't look back, so just live it up and feel the rush

Life is a roller coaster ride
Time turns the wheel and love collides
Faith is believing you can close your eyes and touch the sky
So shine while you have the chance to shine
Laugh even when you want to cry
Hold on tight to what you feel inside and ride

Ride, ride, yeah

Oh yeah, shine while you have the chance to shine
Laugh even when you want to cry
Hold on tight to what you feel inside and ride

Ride, ride, yeah, yeah


**Yes my ride, long, curvy, tough, but in the end I will be able to hang on even stronger!!!!!

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